the moment that i ended it with my ex i had this constant thought in my head, what if i was more patient. why wasn’t i more understanding. my roommate told me that he came by for a chat. she told me everything they discussed. it seemed like he had no problem telling her all the things that was bothering him about our relationship. even she said that he was really good talking things out. you know, my ex always told me that i need to be more dependent on him, to let him in and help me out, but every time i asked him to do something for me…he seemed unwilling. maybe he meant a different “dependent”. maybe he meant emotionally. idk. but i don’t need emotional support. what i needed was rides. you see, i don’t have a car and there are times when my roommate, who also is my coworker, don’t have work but i do. i would need a ride. but for some reason…it was uncomfortable asking my own boyfriend to take me to work. it was only recently when i asked him that he gave me a semi-willing response. and if gas money was the issue then i had no problem paying him. anyways, i never lied about my worries. there are times when im just really mellow for absolutely no reason. i can be really quiet if i wanted to too. sometimes i just don’t feel like talking. that doesn’t mean that there’s a problem. its just me being human.
back when he and i started talking, which was last spring semester, we texted non-stop. even if he was in school, in class, with friends…like EVERY minute. it was so much that my phone couldn’t handle the capacity of the text in the inbox by the end of the day. it was mostly fooling around convos and what we are doing at the time, you know, keeping each other updated constantly. and summer came…it was still the same…then fall semester came along. and thats when we got really comfortable with each other i guess cause the amount of texting died down just a little. he would come over sometimes during the week after his classes to do some homework and study. which i had NO PROBLEM with. he had to do his thing. but when he’s not with me and texting me, it was always about how much he hated school, how much he hated studying. and i, trying to be a good girlfriend, would either let him vent it all out OR turn it around and be positive about it cause whenever hes negative, i get negative then my mood for the rest of the day goes down. it wasn’t THAT bad during fall semester but when spring semester came along….it was worse. i started to be pissy, only cause i envied him. i envied him soooo much for being able to go to school and take his classes so he can get a job later on in life. he’s got a car that probably his parents paid for…he can go to school…he can hang out with his friends whenever he wants…he doesn’t have to pay rent/bills…yea…i envied him. and slowly but surely i slowed down my responses cause i thought maybe if i replied back like a half an hour later maybe he’d be in a better mood, but no…most of the time he wasn’t. he’d send me short texts like..”ugh” or “kk” (sometimes not even 2 k’s. it would be just “k”). annnnnd yea…i didn’t like that. but i sucked it up cause i thought maybe he’s having a bad day in school. etc. but yea…there are times when that wasn’t the reason for me texting back a half an hour later. sometimes i just wanted him to give me cute texts like ” i love you” or “i miss you” or just anything, anything BUT about school. i wanted him to make me feel loved. i wanted attention. only cause im so lonely at times. i wanted him to come after me. sometimes he would say those things but other times…its either venting or he doesn’t text for a few hours.
so recently maybe around end of june…i told him i didn’t like that and that we should work on it. i don’t really think it worked out. but i tried to give him cute-ass messages. even cute-ass LONNNNG messages. i tried to tell him everday that i loved him either verbally or through texting then he would reply back with some thing cute. which made me happy. but yea, one of the reason i started to be all loveydovey again was because my friend who i talk to all the time was like that. he made me want to be all cute and loveydovey to my boyfriend. he made me happy inside with his random compliments and cute messages that i HAD to share it with my bf. i wanted that with my bf. i wanted that kind of convo with my bf. and as me and my friend continued our daily convo…i realized so many things that i wanted in a relationship, and i wanted that with the man that i was with. im young. i have no experience when it comes to relationships. so obviously i don’t know what i want. but thanks to my friend….he made me realize it, and he made me want that with my bf. i started telling my bf things i wanted, things i didn’t like, things we should work on, cause one of our main problems was communication. we don’t tell each other straight up. maybe it’s bc we don’t think its a big deal. you see, he and i are very laid back ppl. we just go with the flow and sometimes thats a really bad thing. things don’t get resolved that way. so i stepped up the game.
one of our problems we needed to work on was when we are fighting/arguing that we should either see each other about it, if that isn’t possible, that we should call each other about. my roomie said if you fight over text its not the same as over the phone or face to face cause you don’t know whether the other person is furious…sad…sarcastic…etc. and she said that’s very important to know. i think its true. but when we are fighting…it always ended up texting. so i started calling him since he doesn’t call or take initiative. oh and you know what really pissed me off?? when we fight, id send him a text and i won’t receive a text from him all fucking day. then our issue isn’t solved. he prolongs our fight and i get pissy all day. i didn’t thinks it was fair. cause i go into work all mad and cranky. then my coworkers gotta deal with angry rieka. and what really got to me was the next morning after our NY trip, we woke up and the atmosphere was different. it was heavy. even when we were sleeping, we didn’t cuddle or spoon was i thought it was very odd…so i asked him what was bothering him twice, and both times he said ‘nothing’. and all throughout the morning he didn’t look at me in the eye. right before he left the house, he didn’t ask for a kiss, not even a hug…which is unusual for him because he demands either one of them before he leaves. as soon as he drove away, i asked him what was up for the last time and he finally told me. it made me mad cause i was right about him being upset about something and both times when he had the chance to say it to my face he said ‘nothing’. he said the reason why it takes him a bit longer was because when he’s mad he either can’t think straight or bursts in anger. but as much i get that, i wanted him to tell it to my face. i don’t care if he said hurtful things to my face, i can take that. i didn’t care if he yelled at me, or looses it in front of me. i wanted him to just say it to my face. but at least he texted me back right away. he was getting better at this whole replying back thing…maybe if i was more patient with him it wouldn’t have ended up this way.
i never want us to break up. i just wanted a break. guys think its a terrible thing to have breaks cause then they think in worst scenarios. such as…what if she whores around or what if she never comes back etc. but that was the last thing on my mind. i thought if we took a break for a good period of time…and when we do come back together that we would have that spark again. we needed to miss each other. i also thought it was a good thing because we both need to get stuff done. and me, i just wanted to improve on myself for him so when we do come back together from our break that i can be a better girlfriend. idk…that’s just what i wanted. i never told him that cause…i didn’t know how to word it…i was afraid he’d take it badly.